-
Well, I was looking around. And I notice we have a quote thread, last song thread, and things like that. Why not have a topic on jokes that make you laugh. :lol: If this topic has already been done, you can just delete it.
EDIT
This is Now a Joke and Riddle Thread. Please follow the rule below for Riddles
New Rules
Ok, to make this fair for every one. Put your answers for the Riddles in a spoiler. It will be a much better way for views to read the riddles and not worry about seeing or reading the answer.
[spoiler ] put your answer here [/ spoiler]
*Remove the spaces in the spoiler
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll go first. My teacher sent this one to me. Its really funny.
First grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses...... ......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...... ......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...... ......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...... ......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...... ......how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...... ......looks dirty.
7. No news...... .......impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...... ......Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...... ......math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...... ......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...... ......me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...... ......pigs.
13. An idle mind is...... ......the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...... ......pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...... ......gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...... ......not much.
17. Two's company, three's...... ......the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...... ......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you cry and...... .....you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...... ......Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...... ......spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...... ......get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you...... ......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind...... ......get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one..........are you ready for this?
25. Better late than............ ............pregnant.
Do you have any funny jokes?
-
hahha.. oh my god this one joke.. haha.. it's so.. haha.. funny it's... hahahaaha.... haha... it's, right.. hah.. it's... oh my god!! hahahahahaha.. sorry.. haha.. I tell it later.. hahaa... ... haha...
-
those are hilarious!!!....i was laughing for a while...my puppy looked up and started watching me..cause i was laughing so hard
i don't have so much as a joke but i have a website that has quotes that people have said...not knowing the stupidity of it or ironic-ness of it (not saying i haven't said tons of stupid stuff as well heh)
its pretty awsome and amusing http://rinkworks.com/said/Â Â :rotfl:
-
lol, those are funny...
Umm...my jokes, my brother says it's more of sarcasim, but...
A taxi driver saw a guy driving all over the street, one day... He speeded up on the red light and slowed down on the green light...Then he drives in front of him and slams on the brake... The taxi driver, angry and upset, rolls down his window and yells
"Hey, where did you get your driver's license's from, Wal-mart?!" The man rolls down his window, and smiling, he says,
" Yep. 75% off"
-
haw haw thats awsome :hehe:
-
Here's a few of my favorite jokes:
A man wrote ten puns and sent them to his depressed friend to cheer him up. No pun in ten did.
What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
-
haw haw the first was my favorite i got one but you kinda hafta say it out loud to get it
how do you fit an elephant on the subway?...take the s out of sub and then f out of way
(and then the person you tell it too will go "there's no F in way"
-
Well, I was looking around. And I notic we have a quote thread, last song thread, and things like that. Why not have a topic on jokes that make you laugh. :lol: If this topic has already been done, you can just delete it. I'll go first. My teacher sent this one to me. Its really funny.
First grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses...... ......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the...... ......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...... ......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...... ......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...... ......how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...... ......looks dirty.
7. No news...... .......impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...... ......Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...... ......math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...... ......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...... ......me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...... ......pigs.
13. An idle mind is...... ......the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...... ......pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...... ......gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...... ......not much.
17. Two's company, three's...... ......the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...... ......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you cry and...... .....you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...... ......Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...... ......spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...... ......get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only what you...... ......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind...... ......get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one..........are you ready for this?
25. Better late than............ ............pregnant.
Do you have any funny jokes?
LOLZ, here's a few more. Again, from children trying hopelessly to look for answers.
Give one thing you learned in Geometry.
It teaches us to bisex angels.
Where was the declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?
The fattened pig.
-
Give one thing you learned in Geometry.
It teaches us to bisex angels.
Where was the declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned?
The fattened pig.
That reminds me of something a child said on "Kids Say the Darndest Things with Bill Cosby"
Bill Cosby was showing some past episodes of "Art Linkletter's House party" where Art asked a little boy if he knew of the story of the wedding that didn't have wine in the Bible. The little boy said he did, and Art then asked the little boy if he knew the parabol to the story.
They boy said, "Yes, when you run out of wine, get on your knees and pray"
I found that so funny!
-
What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
Oh, I saw this in Okamirei-chan's msn avatar before! I was wondering what will happen too... Maybe you are left with 1/4 of your life? Since 1 time 1/2 times 1/2 again is 1/4. :)
A couple of jokes I recieved from my friends through email...
Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island. The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the next island, which was inhabited. The first men was so determined to get home that he tried to swim. He made it 50 miles, got tired, and drowned. Then another man tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and he too drowned. The last man thought he could make it all the way, so he started
swimming. He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all the way back to the island.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." "So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"...
Once there was a train, which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks. Suddenly the train deviated from the tracks, went into the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. At the next railway station the driver was arrested. He was questioned why he went off and then came back on the tracks. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks who did not move even after blowing the horn, flashing the lights etc. The authorities questioned:" Are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger. You should have run that person over." The driver said:" That is exactly what I had decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train got real close."
-
:lol: here is one, its kind of old but its a bit funny
A guy walks into a bar on top of a ski skraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is constructed in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground.” The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'[/i]
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again. Now the man is astonished. So he walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you know, you are a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Also here a joke. It gave me a couple of laughs
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'll put some blonde jokes on later. I'm a blonde, so I heard them all. :lol:
-
OMG I'm trying my best to read all of the jokes without breaking my chair to smithereens XD....
I think I'll look for my own jokes too.
EDIT: Here's one I got from my brother...
A little boy fawns over his pregnant mom:
Boy: Mom, I wonder what's inside your tummy?
Mom: Well, pretty soon you're going to have a new playmate. Can you guess who it is?
Boy: A new playmate? Then it's probably either a kitten or a puppy.
-
:lol: here are some of my favorite blonde jokes. And they are true, well they are true about me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
-
:lol: here are some of my favorite blonde jokes. And they are true, well they are true about me.
Blondes do have more fun... But they also have more VD.
-
Blondes do have more fun... But they also have more VD.
:lol: Very funny :P
-
:lol: Very funny :P
funny, but true :P
-
Here is another joke. VexNet maybe you can post some. By the sounds of it, you have some good blonde jokes :lol: or any jokes.
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle." :hello2:
-
Just remembered some and I'm rephrasing them since I forgot where I heard them from...
Girl: Am I pretty or ugly?
Boy: I'm not so sure... But you look pretty ugly.
A lady carrying her bady boarded a bus. The driver looked at the baby and said:" That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Furious, the lady stomped to the back to the bus. A man saw her looking so upset, and asked her what happened. The lady replied:" The driver insulted me." The man said:" How dare he! I think you should go and demand an explaination from him. Here, let me take care of your monkey."
-
one of my fav quick Bill Bailey jokes:
This joke is set in present day.
3 women go into a pub (yeah)
the first woman says "Hurrah, We've just colonised a male dominated joke format!"
The second woman says "eh, look at the arse on that one. Bring on the pints" she was a 90's woman, outspoken and strong.
The third woman says "Here look at my big tits"
The first woman says "ah, but it's a hollow victory, since it's still a bloke telling this joke"
-
I kind of don't get it..............wait..............nope. .......its going to come to me soon.......
-
I got a email, asking for this thread to become a Joke & Riddle thread. So I change it. Because riddles are kind of likes jokes. So put your riddles here & Jokes ^_^
New Rules
Ok, to make this fair for every one. Put your answers for the Riddles in a spoiler. It will be a much better way for views to read the riddles and not worry about seeing or reading the answer.
[spoiler ] put your answer here [/ spoiler]
*Remove the spaces in the spoiler
-
Three man stay at a hotel for the night. The innkeeper charges $30 per room per night. The men rent one room; each pays $10. The hotel porter leads the man to their room. Later, the innkeeper discovers he has overcharged the men and asks the porter to return $5 to them. On the way upsairs, the porter realises that $5 can't be spilt evenly among three men, so he decides to keep $2 for himself and return $1 to each man.
At this point, the three men have paid $9 each, totalling $27 and the porter has $2, which adds up to $29.
Where did the 30th dollar go?
Show content
The mistake is in how the $30 is accounted for. The $2 that the porter has is part of the $27 the men have paid. A correct accounting of the money is that the $27 was paid and $3 has not, totalling $30.
-
Three man stay at a hotel for the night. The innkeeper charges $30 per room per night. The men rent one room; each pays $10. The hotel porter leads the man to their room. Later, the innkeeper discovers he has overcharged the men and asks the porter to return $5 to them. On the way upsairs, the porter realises that $5 can't be spilt evenly among three men, so he decides to keep $2 for himself and return $1 to each man.
At this point, the three men have paid $9 each, totalling $27 and the porter has $2, which adds up to $29.
Where did the 30th dollar go?
Show content
The mistake is in how the $30 is accounted for. The $2 that the porter has is part of the $27 the men have paid. A correct accounting of the money is that the $27 was paid and $3 has not, totalling $30.
Show content
That's actually incorrect.
5$ was taken out of 30$. 30-5=25
The 5 dollars was split into 5 seperately
each man given 1$ making that 3. 25+3=28.
The 2$ the porter kep makes that 30. 28+2=30.
not all 3 men have been given back what they paid for.
This riddle would work if it the three men were paid back only 0.67$.. but it is not.
The person who came up with that I assume was just bad with math.
-
Show content
That's actually incorrect.
5$ was taken out of 30$. 30-5=25
The 5 dollars was split into 5 seperately
each man given 1$ making that 3. 25+3=28.
The 2$ the porter kep makes that 30. 28+2=30.
not all 3 men have been given back what they paid for.
This riddle would work if it the three men were paid back only 0.67$.. but it is not.
The person who came up with that I assume was just bad with math.
I guess so... But it came from a book called "1000 of the World's Greatest Brainbusters" 0.o (Irony?)
-
Show content
That's actually incorrect.
5$ was taken out of 30$. 30-5=25
The 5 dollars was split into 5 seperately
each man given 1$ making that 3. 25+3=28.
The 2$ the porter kep makes that 30. 28+2=30.
not all 3 men have been given back what they paid for.
This riddle would work if it the three men were paid back only 0.67$.. but it is not.
The person who came up with that I assume was just bad with math.
that is true
I guess so... But it came from a book called "1000 of the World's Greatest Brainbusters" 0.o (Irony?)
I remember that book. Its one of my teacher's favorites
-
I guess so... But it came from a book called "1000 of the World's Greatest Brainbusters" 0.o (Irony?)
LOL!! woo I caught out the book XD
-
OK here is a kind of funny one, but a little lame :lol:
How many letters are in the alphabet?
Show content
There are 11 letters in "THE ALPHABET" Did you say 26? :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What row of numbers comes next?
This is a tough one!
1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
Show content
The next row is
1113213211
Starting with the second line, every line describes the line before it. In writing, it is:
One One
Two Ones
One Two One One
etc.
etc.
-
What row of numbers comes next?
This is a tough one!
1
11
21
1211
111221
312211
13112221
Show content
The next row is
1113213211
Starting with the second line, every line describes the line before it. In writing, it is:
One One
Two Ones
One Two One One
etc.
etc.
that one is really clever :D
-
More riddles. :D
Everyday, Tom tied two sacks of salt to the back of his donkey and headed to market to sell it. On the way, they passed a stream, and one day, the donkey jumped in to cool himself. As a result, a lot of the salt dissolved into the water, ruining the salt for Tom, but making the donkey's load a lot lighter. The donkey got wise to this and the following day he jumped in the stream again, and the next day, and the next.. Tom knew he had to teach the donkey a new lesson, but what could he do to make sure the donkey stayed out of the water in the future?
Show content
Tom must load the sacks not with salt but with sponges. When the donkey jumps in the stream and gets the sacks wet, they'll get heavier.
An explorer was once captured by a tribe whose chief decided that the man should die. However, the chief was a reasonable man and gave the explorer a choice: the explorer was to make a single statement. If it was true, he would be thrown off the cliff. If it was false, he would be eaten by lions. What clever statement did the explorer make that forced the chief to let him go?
Show content
The explorer made the statement, "I will be killed by loins." If the chief feeds him to the lions, his statement will be true, so he should have been thrown off the cliff. But if he is thrown off the cliff, his statement will have been false. The chief had to let the explorer go.
-
Retirement Thoughts
If you are (like most of us) putting money in investments for your future retirement days, here is my suggestion for possible investment strategies.
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left
After calculating this portfolio that started with an initial $3,000.00. Investment your new portfolio balance would equal approx. $70.50
However if you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer,
not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the cans
for the deposit you would have $214.00 (refund .10 cents per can in Michigan)
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401keg program.
Please not that the above is not necessarily sound advice but it could be fun advice…take it with a grain of salt or a couple pickled eggs…
P.S Children, please don't follow or listen to this. Its just a joke :tongue3:
-
Some student and teacher jokes
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what is 7 times 6?
Student: 42!
Teacher: Smart boy! That is correct. Now can anyone tell me what is 6 times 7?
Same student: 24!
Teacher asking a student: What is the most common 3 word sentence all students use?
Student: I don't know
Teacher: Correct
Student: The teacher scolded me for something I didn't do - my homework
Teacher: Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil: Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so.
Teacher: Name four members of the cat family
Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens.
-
More riddles. ^^
Two men were talking about their families. "How many kids do you have?" Mr. Brown asked Mr. White. "I have three," Mr.White replied. "What are their ages?" asked Mr. Brown. Mr White answered, "Let's see how good your maths is. Multiply their three ages and you get 36, add their three ages and you get 13, and two of them are twins." Mr. Brown thought for a moment, and then said, "My maths is pretty good, but I get two possible answers." "My oldest child is a girl," said Mr. White. Then Mr. Brown was able to come up with the correct answer. How is that possible?
Show content
The only two sets of three numbers that multiply together to make 36 and add up to 13 are 9,2,2 and 6,6,1. Mr. Brown knew that 9, 2, 2 was the correct set when he found out that the single child was older than the two twins
You have 9 marbles, 8 that weigh 1 ounce each, and one that weighs 1.1 ounces. The marbles are all the same size and look identical. You have a set of scales that contain 2 trays. You are able to use the scale only twice. How do you work out which marble is the heaviest?
Show content
Place 3 marbles on each tray. If the scales don't balance, place one marble on each tray from the heavier tray. The heavier tray is the 1.1 ounce marble, unless they balance, then the 3rd marble from the heavier tray is the 1.1 ounce marble. If the marbles balance the first time, place any 2 of the remaining unweighed marbles on the trays, one on each tray. If one is heavier, it is the heavier marble, but if they balance, the remaining unweighed marble is the heavier one.
And I posted this flash video on the plug board before, but I don't think anyone noticed it... ^^; I think it is funny enough to be posted here, so here it is. xD
http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/4083/4friendsnafly9kp.swf
Side note: The black guy is speaking in a Chinese dialect called "Hokkien".
-
Riddles. ^^
What is the smallest number of cars that can be driven in this formation: two cars in front of a car, two cars behind a car, and a car between two cars?
Show content
Three: one car in front, one in the middle, and one behind
If you start with the number one and use only whole numbers, how far do you have to count before you need to use the letter "a" in spelling out a number?
Show content
One thousand
This sentense contains two mistakes.
What are the mistakes?
Show content
First mistake: the second "s" in the word "sentense" chould be a "c".
Second mistake: There is only one mistake in the sentence.
-
Seems like I'm the only one posting here... ^^;
Riddles. XD
A cop was walking past a restaurant when he heard someone scream - "No John, not the gun!" He ran inside and saw a doctor, a lawyer, a milkman, and a dead body on the floor. He promptly walked over to the milkman and arrested him. He didn't witness the shooting, there was no apparent evidence to prove who shot the person, and no one told him who the killer was. How did the policman instantly know it was the milkman?
Show content
The milkman was the only male present. The doctor and lawyer were females, so the cop knew that "John" was the milkman.
A man was found shot dead in his study. He was slumped over his desk and a gun was in his hand. There was a cassette recorder on his desk. When the police entered the room and pressed the play button on the tape recorder they heard, "I can't go on. I have nothing to leave for." Then there was the sound of a gunshot. How did the detective immediately know that the man had been murdered?
Show content
The cassette had started at the begining of the man's statement. Who would have rewound it?
-
Me again... 0.o
This time, no riddles from me, but 101 riddles from this website. XD
http://www.totallytricky.co.uk/riddle/ame.php
Nope, they aren't as hard as those I posted, and are WAY more fun to play. ^^ (Highly addictive, I tell you. XD)
The aim of this riddle game is simple: get to the end !
All you have to do is change the URL (the link in the address bar) in such a way to get to the next level.
On almost ALL of the levels, you edit the part before .php and after the last slash.
E.g.
http://www.totallytricky.co.uk/riddle/blahblah.php
If your answer for that page is "answer", you change the "blahblah" part to "answer", so the url will look like this:
http://www.totallytricky.co.uk/riddle/answer.php
If it is the correct answer, it will direct you to the next level and so on. :) 101 levels in this riddle game, I'm stuck on level 42. XD Pm me or post here if you are stuck on any levels. (Hopefully, someone goes beyond me so I can ask for help!! XD) Or better, you can visit their own forums here:
http://tricky01.proboards52.com/
but you'll need to be a member to view and post on the forums.
-
:lol: Those are good ones
I guess there is not much people posting here, eh
-
A video of a parody version on how Japanese learn English. (Nope, they don't speak bad about Japanese or any other race.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plSfKHZZwZ4
The students are given this video to watch on how you are supposed to pronounce certain English words and I don't know why, but they get whipped if they laugh. 0.o (Eh, watch the video and you'll know what I mean.) Maybe it came from a Japanese variety show? (Maybe)
Sidenote: The last guy to be whipped is coincidentally called Yamazaki. :) (You know, the one who rarely opens his eyes from CCS? XD)
-
My friend just e-mailed these to me:
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed
by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out
there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this
can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their
tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money,
money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 03, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
-
Glad to see I'm not the only one posting here. ^^;; Recieved this email from my sister. :XD:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
-
Lol; so funny kudan-chan! I especially love the one about the whale!
Those remind me of this story.
One day a minister saw a cat caught in a tree in his backyard. The cat was too high for him to reach so he got his car, and a rope. He tied one end of the rope to the tree and the other end to his car. He lightly pressed the gas peddle occasionally glancing back at the tree and the cat. All of a sudden the rope broke, and the tree snapped back sending the cat flying in the air. The minister felt horrible, but did the sign of the cross and said, "Lord, I leave this cat up to your will," and moved on with his life.
Later that week, the minister was shopping at a grocery store and saw one of his parishiners. He walked up to talk to her, and saw that she had a bag of cat food in her shopping cart. He knew for a fact that she hated cats; curious he asked, "I thought you hated cats. Why do you have a bag of cat food?"
The lady answered, "My daughter has been constantly asking me to get her a cat, and I told her no, but she still insisted so I told her, 'If God gives you a cat, you can have it.' "
Well, her daughter went out to their front yard, got down on her knees and prayed that God would give her a cat. As soon as she did this, the cat that was sent flying from the tree landed in front of her!
Here's the freaky part; this is a TRUE story!
-
GEORGE CARLIN ON RELIGION
In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful *** a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever **** things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.
And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.
I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend. But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to **** that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and **** up Your Plan?
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the **** bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't **** around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.
And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way.
And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!
Mp3 of George Carlin's Case Against God (http://www.silversix.nu/carlin.mp3)
-
Old Man & Young Man go golfing....
Young Man's ball stopped in front of a pine tree
Old Man: when i was your age i could shoot that ball clear over that tree...
Young Man gets angry and shoots and his ball is stuck in the branches
Young Man looks angrily at Old Man..
Old Man: Well don't look at me... this pine tree was 3 feet tall when i was your age!
-
Not a joke, but a really funny video. ^^
The talking Photo Booth (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WjoRo_kH3I)
-
I only have one good joke.
Why shouldn't a bald man wear a hairnet?
He will look like a microphone.