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Arcademan:
WWE Smackdown Results: 8-28-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Park's complete report). Condensed here to in-ring results only.

1- JOHN MORRISON & MATT HARDY vs. THE HART DYNASTY

Short-arm clothesline by Hardy, shades of Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Morrison then tagged in and did his fancy hand-spring legdrop. The faces double-teamed Tyson Kidd, resulting in a two-count. Natalya got on the apron long enough to break Hardy’s concentration, and Kidd took advantage. Grisham noted that David Hart Smith had “great wrestling DNA.” He went to work on Hardy, but Matt dodged a neck-breaker and landed a reverse DDT. Morrison tagged in and hit a standing dropkick. Standing shooting-star press (that didn’t catch much of Smith) got a two count. Kidd tried to get involved but was sent to ringside by Hardy, who followed up with a clothesline off the apron. Enziguiri-like kick by Morrison, followed by Starship Pain on Smith for the win.

WINNERS: Morrison and Hardy, at 3:32. JR said he doesn’t think any less of the Harts after this match, but it’s hard not to. Only three-and-a-half minutes? They just beat Jeff Hardy, got some rub from that match, and this is how they capitalize?

2- DREW MCINTYRE vs. R-TRUTH

McIntyre had Phil Collins-like theme music. He was “currently in the ring.” As Truth sang his way into the ring, McIntyre assaulted him before he could finish. He gave some knees to the chest of Truth, then a double-arm DDT it appeared. McIntyre got the mic and told everyone that he’s sorry to ruin everyone’s party. He said the people may like to be entertained, but he’s Drew McIntyre, and the party is over.

WINNER: No Match.

2- LAYLA vs. MELINA

Layla grabbed the arm and kicked at Melina’s upper back. Melina got her feet up on a corner charge, then hit a back elbow and a clothesline. Melina favored her ankle a bit and Layla went after it with a low dropkick. Melina’s comeback consisted simply of her catching Layla coming off the ropes and hitting her finisher, then making the pinfall.

WINNER: Melina, at 1:30.

3- REY MYSTERIO vs. KANE

The match started after Kane made his entrance. Kane started off hot (no pun intended), kicking away at Rey while he was on the ground. Rey fought back, including sliding under Kane’s legs, but Kane clotheslined him down hard. Sidewalk slam for two by the big man. Rey fought out of a bearhug on the mat, but succumbed to a low dropkick from Kane for two. Kane tried another slam, but a headscissors took Kane down face-first into the middle turnbuckle. Seated senton, then Rey jumped on Kane, who fell on his back for two. Off the top, Rey ran right into a right handed thrust to the throat for a two-count. Rey dropkicked the knee of Kane into the 619 position, but Kane grabbed him in a choke. A second time, this time Rey put him on the middle rope with a hurricanrana. Kane dodged Rey trying to hit him on the outside and Rey ran into a big boot. He picked Rey up and slammed him into the ring post chest-first. The ref warned him to get Rey into the ring or he’ll disqualify him. Kane did it anyway, and subsequently was DQ’d.

WINNER: Rey, via DQ, at 4:50. Not bad for what it was. I’ve seen worse from these two.

4- CHRIS JERICHO vs. SHAD GASPARD

Jericho had a nice raspberry on the side of his jaw, perhaps from this Monday. Shad mixed some offensive firepower and some taunting of Jericho into the opening minute. High knee-lift from Shad. He press-slammed one half of the tag champions, then just dropped him down. Shad caught Jericho trying a cross-body, and slammed him down. Jericho got pulled out of the ring by Show on the pin attempt. That led to JTG attacking Big Show on the outside. Shad came to help him, then Jericho got involved. That led to Teddy Long coming out and making it a tag match that will continue after the break. Eerie, since TNA did the exact same thing last night (except they re-started it later in the show).

WINNER: No Contest, about 1:45 (no bell).

5- CHRIS JERICHO & BIG SHOW vs. CRYME TYME

Match had already been re-started out of break. JTG was sent to the outside by Jericho, where Show slapped him hard in the chest. Show tagged in as Jericho proclaimed him a destroyer. Show worked the leg and knee of JTG. Jericho, back in, missed a charge and went shoulder-first into the post, allowing JTG to make the tag to Shad. Shad continued where he left off, taking the fight to Jericho. He got a side slam, but Show made the blind tag. By the time Shad realized what had happened, he was already on the mat after one solid right hand to the face by Big Show. End match.

WINNERS: Jericho & Big Show, at 2:33. Neither of these matches had time to get going. Did JR just call Big Show’s punch a “carcinogenic right hand”?

6- JEFF HARDY vs. C.M. PUNK- STEEL CAGE MATCH FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP- LOSER LEAVES WWE

Punk went to climb the cage as soon as he got in, but Hardy wasn’t having it. He was able to pull Punk back in, but couldn’t capitalize with offense. Suplex in the middle of the ring by Punk after he was thwarted on another attempt to leave. He went up a third time in the first two minutes, but again, Hardy was able to reach him. Punk slammed Hardy’s head against the top of the cage, and Hardy fell down. Punk registered a two-count. Grisham tried to get in some deep word-play about the match that he probably stayed up late at night thinking of, but hilariously, JR interrupted him by calling the match. Punk tried to send Hardy head-first into the cage, but Hardy turned it around and did the same with Punk. Jeff landed Whisper in the Wind for two. After he couldn’t get the pin, they went to break.

Hardy kicked Punk off of him as he tried to leave the cage, then jumped onto Punk in the ring. Hardy tried to leave through the door, but Punk wouldn’t let him take the easy way out, like he does by taking pills and alcohol every day. Sorry, Punk’s promos seeped into my subconscious there. Another catapult, but this time Jeff grabbed the links of the cage and tried to climb out. They both ended up walking the top rope. Hardy punched Punk, who crotched himself, then fell to the mat. Hardy saw the opening and landed the Swanton. Hardy struggled to follow up but did, to the tune of a two-count. Punk was back to his feet first and tried to climb the turnbuckle. Jeff snuck over to the opposite corner and tried to sneak out via the door. Punk saw this and ran over to stop Hardy. He grabbed Jeff’s foot, only to be shot backward thanks to a heel kick. Jeff cross-bodied Punk into the cage. Both men were down, and we got a close-up of Punk and the agony on his face, when they went to break about shy of 11:00 into the match.

Back with Punk getting his upper torso out through the cage, but Hardy holding on. Punk’s hands even touched the ground as he screamed, “I’m out! I’m out!” But he wasn’t, by the rulebook here. The two exchanged punches to the “boo, yay!” of the crowd. GTS was turned into a backslide from Hardy for two. Punk came up holding his shoulder after a pin attempt. Punk again got Hardy up for the GTS, but he countered it into a Twist of Fate. Hardy chose to climb the cage, and straddled the top, but Punk grabbed a leg to stop the challenger. Hardy kicked and punched at Punk and even got to the other side of his cage, hanging out. JR suggested he drop from there and pay the price. But Punk dragged him over to the other side in a headlock, then superplexed him off the top. Crowd was lapping this up, as you’d expect. Punk climbed to the top rope and attempted to escape. He straddled the top this time, but Hardy chased him down. Hardy tried to pull him back over by the head as Punk got all the way over. He poked Hardy in the eye, then slammed his head off the top of the cage. Hardy went falling to the mat, hitting the top rope on the way down, and Punk skulked down off the cage to win.

WINNER: Punk, at 20:52. The more gimmicks, the better for these two it appears. Just as good as any of their other confrontations, though the finish felt a bit anti-climactic. Not Punk winning, but how he did it.

Arcademan:
WWE RAW Results: 8-31-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Caldwell's complete report). Condensed here to in-ring results only.

1 -- SIX-DIVAS BATTLE ROYAL

Our contestants are Gail Kim, Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes, Jillian Hall, Alicia Fox, and Kelly Kelly. Gail Kim seemed to be in jeopardy late as Jillian Hall taunted her, then tried to toss her over the top rope, but Gail skinned the cat. Gail then kicked Jillian and pulled off a nice spot of whipping Jillian over the top rope to eliminate her. Beth Phoenix snuck in the back door, though, and knocked Gail over the top rope to score the final elimination. Beth gets a shot at Mickie. And that's tonight. Three title matches on the show.

WINNER: Beth Phoenix at 4:10. Nice match-up later with Mickie vs. Beth. Good to see them re-starting a serious push for Beth after the ridiculousness of Beth-Santino(a) finally ended. (n/a)

2 -- Unified tag champion CHRIS JERICHO vs. MVP

Jericho very aggressive early on taking it to MVP. He landed a few headbutts before taunting MVP and landing boots to the head. He demanded to know where MVP's cheap-way-out brass knucks from Floyd Mayweather last week are. He has a point. Jericho slapped and played around with MVP, then MVP came back with an open hand slap. Forearm exchange went down, then MVP fired up a comeback. Jericho then blocked a move off the ropes and wanted the Walls of Jericho, but MVP shoved him away. Jericho missed with a clothesline, but ran into a Chono Boot for a two count. Good, believable nearfall after a very fast pace to this seemed to set up an early nearfall. Jericho avoided another Chono Boot, then dropkicked MVP off the apron to the floor. We have a two-segment match. Nice. MVP on the floor while Jericho checked his jaw back in the ring.

Back from break, Lawler inserted a plug for Mayweather vs. Marquez on Sept. 19 in Las Vegas. Jericho then inserted a boot into MVP's face, then his gut. Jericho with a running bulldog to quiet things down and let the crowd settle down after getting excited for a comeback. Jericho then wanted a Lionsault, but MVP moved. Jericho was favoring his right knee a bit. He then called a spot for MVP to deliver the Ballin' elbow drop. MVP tried to follow with the Playmaker, but Jericho countered with Walls of Jericho. MVP countered with a small package, but Jericho kicked out just in time. Jericho the master of selling a nearfall ala the Rey Mysterio series. Jericho then nailed the codebreaker out of nowhere and scored the pin for the win.

WINNER: Jericho at 8:45. Really nice match. Jericho just makes everyone look like a million bucks in the ring. (**1/2)

3 -- CHAVO GUERRERO vs. HORNSWOGGLE -- Texas bullrope match

I wonder what someone who has never seen wrestling or knows little about wrestling would think flipping over to Raw during a commercial break in the NFL game right now. Horny tried to tie up Chavo with the bullrope early on and ride him like a cowboy, but Chavo threw a boot in the air and connected with Hornswoggle's head. Chavo then took off the cow head and went up top. He wanted a frogsplash, but Evan Bourne ran to ringside to distract Chavo. Horny then yanked Chavo off the top rope with the rope and put the cow head on backwards. Horny followed by running circles around Chavo before tying him up to win the match. Cole pronounced with a deadpan voice: "Hornswoggle wins again." Chavo attacked Bourne post-match, but Bourne came back with a kick to the face on Chavo. Horny then hit a tadpole splash with the cow head on with Bourne's help. Some people in the crowd ate it up. Others looked sick to their stomachs. Bourne and Hornswoggle celebrated post-match and ...wait for it...stood tall in the ring to close the segment.

WINNER: Hornswoggle at 1:55. WWE wins. I admit it. They've broken my spirit because I've lost hope this is going to end. (n/a)

4 -- Unified tag champion BIG SHOW vs. MARK HENRY

They started with a nice little shoving match. A stand-off. Nice star. This is the match Henry vs. Masters should have been on Superstars two weeks ago. Show wanted a test of strength and Henry obliged. Crowd buzzing for the battle of big men. Show sold being on the defensive, so he kneed Henry in the gut. Show tried a headbutt, but he sold beoming woozy. Henry then delivered a headbutt and Show dropped to one knee. Lawler channeled Gorilla Monsoon on what happens when Hulk Hogan meets Andre the Giant. Not sure which one is Hogan here. Show then flew off the ropes and speared Henry mid-ring that drew a gasp from the crowd. Nice spot. Henry then came back with a brickwall chest bump that knocked Show off his feet. He followed with the big splash, but Show escaped a pin attempt. Show then took off the top turnbuckle pad behind the ref's back. Ref Robison reprimanded him, then Henry charged and ate the expose steel. Ref DQ'ed Show, who followed with the Big Right Hand smash on Henry that KO'ed him. Show was pleased with his work and slowly left the ring. Announcers talked up Jericho and Show getting the upper hand this week after MVP and Henry had the upper hand last week.

WINNER: Henry via DQ at 5:15. I liked this match. It was a big man battle done right building up intrigue to see which big man would be off his feet first and ultimately last. Didn't get a conclusive finish to build intrigue for a future match-up. Nice set-up for the tag title match at Breaking Point too. Well done. (*1/2)

5 -- U.S. champion KOFI KINGSTON vs. JACK SWAGGER vs. CARLITO vs. THE MIZ -- U.S. Title match

First pin or submission wins. Bell sounded and Miz bailed to the floor waiting to pick his spot to get back in the ring. Miz thought he had a chance on Kofi, but Kofi cut him off. Kofi then cleared Miz to the outside and dumped Carlito onto Swagger on the outside. Kofi then landed a leap-over-the-top-rope splash onto the three heels. Kofi in control cutting to break.

Back from break, Swagger had Kofi in a submission hold. Miz was slowly moving around on the floor looking for his opportunity. Carlito snuck in, though, and landed a missile dropkick on Miz for a two count that Kofi broke up. Carlito, angered, blasted Kofi with right hand blows. Kofi came back with a top rope dropkick on Miz and Carlito, then Swagger chucked Kofi into the ringpost. Swagger then measured Miz for a running Vader Bomb, but Miz got his knees up to block. Kofi then stacked up Swagger and Carlito for a double Boom Boom leg drop, but Miz broke up the pin. Here's a flurry of a finish: Swagger wanted the gutwrench on Carlito, but Miz dropped Swagger with the Skullcrushing Finale from behind. Carlito then immediately nailed Miz with the backstabber. Kofi with the final word, though, as he blasted Carlito with the Trouble in Paradise kick on Carlito for the pin and the win.

WINNER: Kofi Kingston at 8:30 to retain the U.S. Title. Very nice flurry at the end. Good energy with a sense of urgency from all four men to score the win. WWE put the right focus on the mid-card division, but they still aren't putting any focus on an individual feud that could really mean something and command a higher place on a PPV.

6 -- Divas champion MICKIE JAMES vs. BETH PHOENIX -- Divas Title match

Typical start to the match with Beth on the offensive dominating to build up Mickie's comeback. Beth cut off Mickie's first comeback with a smashing kick strike, then the action moved to the floor after Beth blocked the trademark Mickie top rope head scissors. Beth then smashed Mickie into the ring steps and took her back into the ring for a nearfall. Beth couldn't finish off Mickie, then Mickie hit a Chick Kick and dropped Beth on her head with a Mickie DDT. Beth sold it as if she was paralyzed sitting upright. Mickie then shoved her to the mat and scored the pin for the win.

WINNER: Mickie at 4:55 to retain the Divas Title. Nice, high-energy match with five minutes of dedicated TV time to a singles divas match. (*1/2)

7 -- WWE champion RANDY ORTON vs. CODY RHODES -- WWE Title match -- John Cena special referee

Before the match started, Dusty took the mic and said there's nothing a father would do for his son. Suddenly, Orton and Cody jumped Cena. Dusty watched as Ted DiBiase then stormed the ring and took out Cena. Suddenly, DX's music hit and Michaels and Hunter stormed the ring. Hunter teased the Pedigree on Cody, but Dusty took his boot to Hunter's head. Legacy beat down Michaels, then Cody gave him Cross Rhodes in center ring. Heat was off the chars for this. Orton shook like the great evil character he is, then he put another boot to Cena's head. Dusty stood tall with Rhodes, DiBiase, and Orton and they did a curtain call to big heat.

Dusty and Cody hugged, then Orton suddenly gave Dusty the RKO. Cody seethed and yelled at Orton. "Why, man, why?!" Cody thought it over as Orton turned and shot him this evil look. Cody fought the urge to fight for his dad or fall in line with Orton. Crowd yelled at Cody to do something. Credits came on as Cody stood next to Dusty's boot. Orton's mind control was taking over Cody as he thought things over. Crowd was chanting as the hard cam pulled away to reveal chaos in the ring with DiBiase in one corner and Orton standing across the ring from a contemplative Cody to close the show.

WINNER: No match occurred.

Arcademan:
ECW on SyFy Results: 9-1-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Caldwell's complete report). Condensed here to in-ring results only.

1 -- SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. ZACK RYDER

Shelton missed with an early Stinger Splash and Ryder capitalized with a neckbreaker for a two count. Ryder grounded Shelton on the mat with a reverse chinlock and shouted at no one in particular that Shelton's nothing. Shelton broke free, then hopped over the top rope to the ring apron. He waited for Ryder to turn around, then he nailed springboard Blockbuster. Nicely done. He followed with the Pay Dirt facebuster for the pin and the win.

WINNER: Shelton in 4:00. Okay TV match. Really wish they would give these guys more than four minutes to put together a compelling TV match. Ryder had some offense early on to look somewhat credible, which the announcers put over in the post-match replays. (*)

2 -- EZEKIEL JACKSON & KOZLOV (w/William Regal) vs. JIM PARKS & MIKE TOLAR

Kozlov and Jackson just methodically tagging in and out of the ring delivering a beating early on. Jim Parks was shouting instructions from the apron and Jackson grew tired of his encouragement to Tolar, so he chucked him into the ringpost. Jackson delivered his uranage, then Kozlov politely asked for a tag. Jackson obliged and Kozlov delivered his Iron Curtain uranage for the easy pin and the win.

WINNERS: Kozlov & Jackson in 2:00. Set-up for the post-match. It was pretty unique to watch the two big monsters just politely tag in and out without exerting much effort. Nice dynamic. (n/a)

3 -- GOLDUST vs. SHEAMUS -- No DQ, No Count-out match

Aggressive start, then Sheamus shoved Goldust into the corner and told him that he's nothing. Sheamus then slapped Goldust across the face and Goldust responded with a hard slap of his own. Goldust then hit a dropkick that sent Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus tried to leave, but Goldust ran him down with a hard clothesline. Goldust in control on the ramp going to break.

Back from break, Sheamus was in control before knocking Goldust to the outside. Kids on the front row screamed at Sheamus for taking it to their temporary hero. Sheamus then bent Goldust's back around the ringpost to inflict damage. Sheamus glared at the fans ringside, then slid back into the ring for a cover and a nearfall. Sheamus then settled into a mat hold with the crowd getting behind Goldust to make a comeback.

Match continued at the top of the hour with a "Let's go Goldust" chant. This program has definitely connected with the audience thanks to nice TV build. Formula for the Raw mid-card that has yet to be followed. Goldust broke free at 10:00 and they entered a dueling slap fest. Goldust then fired off the ropes with a hard clothesline and an atomic drop. Goldust with a flying bulldog. Not much facepaint left at this point, then Goldust walked into a kick to the knee. Suddenly, Goldust rolled up Sheamus with a small package for a two count. Goldust nailed a powerslam, but another two count only. Sheamus then rolled to the outside to take a breather. Goldust answered with a running clothesline off the ring apron. Sheamus suddenly rammed Goldust into the ringpost. Both men seemed winded and the match came to a brief halt.

Back in the ring, Goldust fired himself up and landed straight right hands. Goldust with a Natural bulldog attempt, but Sheamus threw him away and stomped a mudhole in Goldust. Sheamus then drove a knee into Goldust's throat. Crowd needed a boost and Goldust landed a trademark uppercut, but Sheamus fired off a bicycle kick out of nowhere. He followed with his big Irish Curse backbreaker across his knee. Sheamus with the pin for the clean win. That's called elevating a young talent. After they replayed the highspots of the match, the camera focused on Sheamus celebrating with a heel smile on the floor to close the show.

WINNER: Sheamus in 13:00. Very good TV match by WWE's standards. Crowd has definitely bought into this feud and they were into the action. As I said in the match report, this is the formula for the Raw mid-card if they want to develop some stars on a bigger stage by focusing on a one-on-one feud. Match seemed to peak around 11:00 when both men appeared to be winded, but they finished strong with a nice flurry of offense from Sheamus to win the match. WWE is obviously very high on Sheamus, who is delivering a breakthrough performance in this feud with Goldust. Well done. (**3/4)

Arcademan:
WWE Superstars Results: 9-3-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Caldwell's complete report). Condensed here to in-ring results only.

1 -- EVAN BOURNE vs. CHRIS MASTERS

Masters with an early clothesline that Cole called "vintage." Masters followed with a vintage foot stomp and vintage clubbing forearm to the upper back. Bourne tried to escape Masters by going up top, but Masters emphatically press-slammed him off the top rope. Bourne then rolled to the outside to recover going to break.

Back from break, Paul Roma had Lex Luger's Torture Rack on Bourne. Bourne escaped, then teased a comeback, but Masters cut him off again. Masters stared talking trash that Bourne has nothing, then he put Bourne in the Dominator submission position to work the lower back. Bourne slipped out, then Masters clotheslined him onto the mat. Bourne with an inside cradle as Masters continued to take his sweet time working over Bourne leading to Bourne's comeback. Cole said Bourne scoring a pin on Masters would be an upset. How is that? Apparently Bourne being associated with Hornswoggle is an instant credibility-killer. Bourne then avoided the Masterlock and rammed Masters into the corner ringpost. Bourne followed right up with the Shooting Star Press for the pin and the win. Cole repeated that Bourne has upset Masters.

WINNER: Bourne in 12:00. I understand the Bourne Story having a stronger connection with the audience if he's built up as an underdog, but Cole being produced to repeat the line about Bourne pulling an upset over Masters was so ridiculous. Masters was one TV victory over Shockmaster Santino since returning to WWE while Bourne has probably had 15+ TV victories this year. Just the backwards mentality that a smaller guy winning a match over a bigger guy is automatically an upset. Match wasn't that good. Very slow and too methodical from Masters, who had 90 percent of the offense to retain some measure of credibility. (1/2*)

2 -- WILLIAM REGAL (w/Kozlov and Jackson) vs. TYLER REKS

Announcers said ECW champ Christian is probably watching this match intently since Regal is the #1 contender to the title. Regal dominated early on while his men watched intently from his outside. "Break his neck!" Kozlov shouted at Regal. Announcers whispered that Jackson and Kozlov are studying their master to learn and grow themselves. Could use Christian on commentary right about now. Reks countered a take down into a backslide for a two count, then Regal went right to a mat submission. Reks then broke free and went for a springboard splash, but Regal ducked and followed right up with the Running Knee Smash for the pin and the win.

Post-match: Kozlov delivered his Iron Curtain uranage slam. Jackson then scooped up the remaining Reks parts and delivered his uranage. Regal then shouted down at Reks that no one can top his group.

WINNER: Regal in 5:00. Another methodically paced match. Good focus on Regal as the #1 contender for the ECW Title, although still no word on when Regal is cashing in his #1 contender status. (*)

3 -- CRYME TYME (SHAD GASPARD & JTG) & EVE vs. HART DYNASTY (D.H. SMITH & TYSON KIDD & NATALYA)

The "culture clash" started with JTG and Smith battling mid-ring. Smith blocked a charge off the ropes and powerslammed JTG to the mat. Smith missed with a corner splash, then JTG dropkicked him in the back and monkey flipped him to the mat for a two count. Shad then tagged in and JTG whipped him into Smith. Eve then took a tag, which means Natalya must enter. They had a brief exchange before JTG tagged back in along with Kidd. JTG knocked Kidd to the outside, then Kidd ran around the ring and back to his corner to tag in Smith, who chopblocked JTG from behind. JTG rolled to the outside to recover as they cut to break.

Back to Superstars action where Smith and Kidd tagged in and out working over JTG to isolate him from the CT corner. Kidd so great with his facial expressions and screaming while working over an opponent. JTG teased and milked a hot tag to Shad that the crowd was on the edge of their seats for, then he broke free of Kidd with an enziguiri and tagged in Shad, who cleaned house. Natalya suddenly blind-tagged into the match to put an end to Shad's momentum since Eve had to tag in per the rules. Action broke down anyways with bodies flying everywhere. Eve missed with a handspring elbow in the corner (Ross with a Great Muta reference), then Natalya blasted her with a discus clothesline. With the men everywhere else, Natalya pinned Eve for the win. After the match, both sides regrouped and HD raised their hands in victory to close the show.

WINNERS: Hart Dynasty in 14:00. Smackdown delivered the match of the night, but they were up against two slow, methodical singles matches this week. Good energy from everyone involved with HD picking up a nice win without really settling an issue to keep this program going. (**)

Arcademan:
TNA Impact! Results: 9-3-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Wilkenfeld's complete report). Condensed here to in-ring results only.

(1) STING vs. RHINO

At least they're putting Rhino out of his misery early. Tenay says that we're doing both rounds tonight, which is cool. Taz tries to make sense of the fact that Rhino's in this match despite being already booked at No Surrender. It doesn't go well. Sting starts things off with a quick whip into the corner and a couple of Stinger Splashes. He kicks Rhino's legs out from under him, and holy shit, that's the Scorpion Death Lock. He reaches the ropes. I'm actually surprised it didn't end there—they really enjoy burying Rhino. Rhino comes back with a shoulder block in the corner. He hits some strikes to the kidneys and abdomen. Rhino works the Body Scissors, out of which Sting powers. Rhino comes up punching and chopping. Sting reverses a whip into the corner, but whiffs on the Stinger Splash and bounces back into a Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Rhino goes for a Gore, but Sting sidesteps and hits the Scorpion Death Drop. It's over.

WINNER: Sting in four minutes. At least I don't have to change my "poor Rhino" catch phrase.

(2) CHRIS SABIN vs. AJ STYLES

AJ and Sabin trade Arm Drags to start, then Head Scissors. AJ eventually shoots Sabin off and nails his high dropkick. Sabin rolls to the outside. AJ comes after him with a Baseball Slide, but Sabin gets back into the ring and comes back out with a Twisting Leg Scissors on AJ. It's really very impressive. He hoists AJ up and into the barricade before rolling him back into the ring. AJ creates some distance, but Sabin follows him with a running knee. Taz says that this kind of wrester is why he came to TNA. AJ catches an attempted kick from Sabin and whips his leg out from under him. He connects with a couple big clotheslines. Sabin Back Body Drops him out to the apron, but AJ just comes back with a Flying Forearm for two. AJ looks for a Styles Clash, but it's reversed into a Victory Roll for two. Sabin tries to come back with the Cradle Shock. AJ fights it off and puts Sabin on the top rope. Sabin tries to come back with a Tornado DDT, but AJ catches him and reverses it into a Gut Wrench Suplex. Sabin comes back fighting; AJ looks for his Float Over Inverted DDT in the corner, but Sabin reverses it into a Snapmare and hits a high boot in the corner. Sabin tries to hit a Slingshot Flying Forearm of his own, but AJ dodges and nails the Pele. AJ follows up with the Styles Clash for the kill.

WINNER: AJ Styles in six minutes. Remember when TNA used to have this sort of match as their staple? Those were good days. Shelley gives Taz his MCMG dog tag.

(3) DOUG WILLIAMS vs. SUICIDE

Suicide and Williams do a bit of chain wrestling to start, trading wrist locks, hammerlocks, etc. Williams eventually connects with a kick to Suicide's head. He tries to leapfrog him, but gets caught in an Oklahoma Roll for what looked a lot like 3 but wasn't. Williams shoots off Suicide into the ropes and catches him in a Back Drop. He hits a fairly brutal looking knee to Suicide's head, then chokes him against the ropes. Williams then locks in some sort of Chicken Wing/Neck Vise. A Knee Drop gets two. Williams goes for a Suplex, but Suicide lands on his feet. He gets in a few shots before Williams gets him back down with a Spinning Elbow for two. He follows up with a straight punch and a choke. A Snap Suplex gets two. He hits a high knee in the corner, but when he goes to follow up from the top rope Suicide jump kicks him down. Suicide gets up first and connects with a series of right hands. Williams dodges a charge, but Suicide jumps onto the middle rope and comes back with a dropkick. He hits his wacky Reverse Neck Breaker, and D'Angelo Dinero decides that this would be a good time to hit ringside. Suicide goes to the top rope, and decides to go after Dinero first with a Cross Body Block. Unfortunately he walks back into Williams's one awesome move, the Rolling German Suplex, for three.

WINNER: Doug Williams in seven minutes. This might have been Williams's best outing, not that he's had many as a singles star.

(4) SOJO BOLT & HAMADA vs. CHRISTY HEMME & TARA

The heels come out separately. The faces come out to Tara's music and a mixed video. I wonder who's staying a team for more than five minutes? Hamada and Victoria lock up to start. Hamada has some fan base—I wonder if that's support for her father or that Moonsault last week? Tara rolls through with a bridge for two. She and Hamada trade covers and do the stand-off-of-even-matched-ness, but they didn't hit the covers that well so they only get some courtesy applause. Hamada hits a cheap shot. Tara whips her into the corner, but she comes back with a beautiful Spring Board Moonsault for two. Both women tag out. Christy hits a standing FFG for two, so Sojo tags right back out. Tenay and Taz argue over whether it's okay to say "crotch" on TV. Sadly that's more interesting than the match thus far.

We come back just in time to see Christy get between Hamada's legs to make the tag to Tara. Sojo tags in as well, so that Tara can floor her with a couple of clotheslines and a kick that Hamada breaks up at two. Christy deals with the interfering Hamada with an Inverted DDT while Tara finishes off Sojo with the Widow's Peak.

WINNER: Tara & Christy. DUD.

(5) HOMICIDE vs. HERNANDEZ

I really don't want them to turn Homicide, though I guess if it led to a push it'd be okay. They share a handshake to start. They lock up, which doesn't go well for Homicide. He signals that he forgot that Hernandez is twice his size. Hernandez takes him over for a Back Drop, but he lands on his feet and nails some quick strikes. He looks for a Sunset Flip, but Hernandez lifts him up by the throat. Homicide fights it for a second, but he eventually connects with the Cracker Jack. He tries to follow up with the Border Toss, but Homicide reverses it with a dropkick to the knee then slams Hernandez head first into the mat. He tries to follow up with strikes in the corner, but Hernandez powers out. Homicide takes the leg out again, and stands on it a bit. Homicide hits a couple of shoulder blocks, then goes back to exclusively targeting the left leg. He tries to finish off Hernandez with a Tornado DDT, but Hernandez places Homicide back in the corner and hits the Overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Homicide comes off the ropes, but Hernandez catches him with some sort of Front Slam whose name I forget.

WINNER: Hernandez in four minutes. They tried to make this look plausible, but Hernandez doesn't quite have the art of selling for a little guy down yet. Is Hernandez actually getting to a main event, or is the EY wackiness still to come?

(6) DOUG WILLIAMS vs. AJ STYLES
Kurt, on commentary, acknowledges that it's in his interests for Williams to win. I like that he's not playing the generic "take-all-comers" card. Oh wait, I guess the match isn't starting yet.

AJ and Williams lock up to start, but neither gains an advantage. AJ gets a single leg takedown. We get our second round of chain wrestling of the night. Williams gets an ankle takedown. He looks for a Bow and Arrow, but AJ reverses into a quick cover for two. They get up brawling, but Williams stops it with a side headlock. AJ shoots him off, but Williams stops his momentum with another side headlock. AJ finally gets away, hits a Body Slam, a Knee Drop for two, and…an Indian Death Lock? Who knew he knew that move? Williams gets out, and they get up brawling. AJ dodges a charge in the corner, but when he tries to come back off the top rope Williams catches him and drops him into a European Uppercut. Williams locks in a head scissors and pounds his head into the mat. Does anyone know where I've seen that sequence before? It's annoyingly familiar. They get up brawling again, but crack heads. It did not look especially intentional, but they both look fine. They get up brawling yet again. Williams comes off the ropes, and right into the high dropkick from AJ. He rolls out of the ring, and AJ follows him out with a Somersault Plancha. AJ rolls him back in, but the cover only gets two. AJ locks in…a Torture Rack? Did I miss a memo about New Move Day? He transitions into a Neck Breaker for two. He sets Williams up on the top rope, but Williams shoves him back to the mat and comes off the top with a Corkscrew Elbow for two. Williams unloads with a flurry of impactful strikes but walks right into a 360 Degree Clothesline. AJ looks for a Styles Clash, Williams goes behind and looks for the Rolling German, but AJ gets to the turnbuckle and floats over into the Inverted DDT for game.

WINNER: AJ Styles in seven minutes. I think this would have been a good match if the conclusion had not been foregone—it's hard to tell. As it was it just felt dull.

(7) HERNANDEZ vs. STING

Hernandez hits shoulder blocks to Sting to start, but then backs off and asks the ref to check on him. Sting comes back with a side headlock. He ducks below an attempted clothesline, hits a series of strikes, and then lands a dropkick. He lands on his ribs though, and writhes in pain. Hernandez doesn't seem sure what to do. Eventually he decides to go with flow and attacks the ribs. Hebner warns him off, but I'm not sure why. Hernandez Pounces Sting across the ring, so Sting rolls out of the ring for a breather. "Homicide" runs down to ringside and attacks Sting with a baton, costing Hernandez the match by DQ.

WINNER: Sting by disqualification, in two minutes.

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