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Arcademan:
TNA Impact! Results: 1-29-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Caldwell's complete report). To view condensed version, go to Neo-Geo Forum: Official WWE Thread Post #8630.

1 -- ODB vs. KONGTOURAGE (Knockouts champion AWESOME KONG & RAISHA SAEED & SOJOURNER BOLT & RHAKA KHAN)
WINNERS: Kongtourage in 4:00. Greatest call of a handicap match ever from Booker, who never stopped talking, his voice becoming lower and lower and lower as the match progressed. Nash was a good straight man, simply interjecting a thought or two when Booker took a breath. Match didn't matter based on TNA's presentation. (1/2*)

2 -- Legends champion BOOKER T vs. ANDREW THOMAS & RUDY CHARLES (w/Earl Hebner)
WINNER: Booker in 5:00. Gave new meaning to referee incompetence in TNA. Nash was simply great on commentary. Booker managed to drag out five minutes and tell a really nice story of complete dominance. Greatness. (n/a)

3 -- PETEY WILLIAMS vs. MATT MORGAN
WINNER: Morgan in 4:00. Oh wow. They managed to make Morgan look a complete goof, but still put him over, while Petey was sadly a part of this with no chance of benefiting. TNA parodying itself and the company's traditionally downright horrible booking is so great. I'm convinced TNA spent the last three years ***-backwards booking to build up tonight's greatness from the Mafia. (*)

4 -- TNA World Hvt. champion STING vs. TEAM 3D (BROTHER RAY & BROTHER DEVON) -- handicap match
WINNER: Team 3D via DQ in 9:00. Booker was the story on this one, doing a number on everyone with the play-by-play. Match was inconsequential and forgettable, just like the other matches on this show, but Booker continued to be great with his irreverent take on the entire show. (*)

5 -- SCOTT STEINER vs. ABYSS -- Weapons match for Abyss only
WINNER: Abyss via DQ in 9:00. Fine weapons match, but another unlikable "babyface" character was featured here. This whole show was all-about creating dislike for any babyface character because of how great the Mafia was at making this show watchable. (*)

6 -- KURT ANGLE vs. LAX (HERNANDEZ & HOMICIDE) -- handicap match
WINNER: Angle in 13:00. Gave LAX some rub, but also showed they're incapable of winning big-time matches, even with a man-advantage. Okay conclusion to the show after such greatness in the first 75 minutes. (**)

Arcademan:
WWE Smackdown Results: 1-30-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Keller's complete report). Condensed here to in-ring results only.

1 -- R-TRUTH vs. THE BRIAN KENDRICK (w/Ezekiel Jackson)

R-Truth sang his song as he walked through the crowd to the ring. Ross said after hearing from Matt Hardy, how refreshing to hear from R-Truth. I'm wondering what Matt said isn't true, though? It's not like what Matt said was totally outlandish. It's not his feelings that were baseless, but it's his way of dealing with them that was shameful. Ross said it's despicable of Matt to blame the fans. He said the only person Matt cares about his Matt. The referee kicked Ezekiel back to the locker room before the bell. It appeared all he did was staredown R-Truth before the match and not get out of the ring as soon as the ref ordered him. Kendrick jump-started the match and dominated early. R-Truth came back with a corkscrew forearm and his scissors kick for the clean win.
WINNER: R-Truth in 2:00.

2 -- MVP vs. CHAVO GUERRERO

Ross noted that it's been a rough week for weather in the U.S. and thanked fans for tuning in. He plugged other matches on the show including Mark Henry vs. Undertaker. Wen Ross pushed Vladimir Kozlov vs. Great Khali vs. Triple H, Tazz said, "That's a train wreck waiting to happen." Is he allowed to say that! He did did.
MVP avoided a frog splash at 4:00 and then hit the Drive By for the win.
WINNER: MVP in 4:00. Could they have had a more flat way to end MVP's winning streak then how they have with it at first being overshadowed by Triple H's situation and now beating Chavo in a throwaway match with nothing at stake?

3 -- UMAGA vs. JIMMY WANG YANG
Umaga won quickly and decisively with the Samoan Spike.
WINNER: Umaga in 2:00. We still know nothing about Umaga. He's a super heavyweight. He's agile. He rambles in some sort of gibberish tongue. He braids his hair intricately. He has tattoos. He's supposedly mean. I suppose that's enough, but barely, and the lack of any depth beyond that really holds him back from being anything but a mid-card novelty who occasionally visits the main events rather ineffectively. It's too bad the McMahon's have an irrational aversion to managers because if he had one to explain his motivations and more about his background, he has the rest of the package to make money. The one "manager" exception is Atlas, who adds very little to Henry's marketability.

4 -- UNDERTAKER vs. MARK HENRY (w/Tony Atlas)
Henry is still "The World's Strongest Man" (in the same way that Jimmy Wang Yang is a "Superstar"). Ross said Taker is custom-made for the Elimination Chamber. Tazz said he's never competed in an Elimination Chamber and he's happy about that. Taker walked the top rope, but it backfired as Henry caught him and slammed him into the corner. Atlas got in a cheapshot. After a Henry chinlock, Taker fought back. He ducked a Henry clothesline and came back with a flying shoulder tackle. He set up a chokeslam, but Atlas distracted him. Henry hit Taker from behind and knocked him to the floor. Taker knocked Atlas down, reentered the ring, hit a chokeslam, and then finished him with the finisher that Ross didn't call by name, so neither will I. Henry tapped out even before Taker had it locked on, and Taker seemed to lose his grip once or twice in the elaborate process of applying it.
WINNER: Undertaker in 6:00.
STAR RATING: * -- The formula match you'd expect from these two. Basic and watchable.

5 -- BIG SHOW vs. FESTUS (w/Jesse)
This match deserved more build-up. They're really dropped the ball on making something more out of Festus than a mid-card comedy act. Festus went for an early bear hug, but Show dropped him with a DDT. Festus's bump was nasty looking. He sold that well. Tazz called the chest the "pectorial" region, then told Ross that's the chest area, oblivious to the fact that he made up the word "pectorial." Festus came back at 1:00 briefly, but Show chopped him in the chest to stop him second later. Then he lifted him into a powerbomb position and then fell back and sent Festus face-first into the canvas. Then he finished him with a punch to the face. As Jesse ran in to check on Festus, Show chokeslammed him, too.
WINNER: The Big Show in 2:00. Man, WWE is just killing off the mid-card guys with upward mobility again. Festus vs. Show could have been intriguing and a selling point to build a TV show around or a solid supporting match on a PPV, but now Festus has been defined down as a two minute jobber to Show.

6 -- TRIPLE H vs. VLADIMIR KOZLOV vs. THE GREAT KHALI (w/Ranjin Singh) - A "Trainwreck Waiting to Happen" match
They triangled off at the start. Kozlov shoulder jabbed Triple H in the corner. Khali yanked him away and then beat on Triple H himself. Kozlov gave Khali a running knee from behind, then trash talked him. Khali chopped him down and gave him a boot to send him to the floor with a thud. Triple H stared at Khali as they cut to an early break at 1:00.

Triple H and Khali fought at ringside. Kozlov took over on Triple H inside the ring, scoring a two count after a powerslam. Triple H came back with a DDT at 7:00. Khali was nowhere to be seen for several minutes, knocked out at ringside. Kozlov scored another near fall after another slam. He took Triple H to the corner again, but when he charged, Triple H caught him with a boot to the face. Triple H came back with a knee to the face and a spinebuster. Khali re-entered the picture with a big chop to Triple H's head, then the head vice. . Kozlov broke it up with a headbutt to Khali's chest. Triple H ducked a Kozlov charge, so Kozlov flew over the top rope to the floor. Triple H gave Khali a sloppy looking Pedigree which Khali didn't know how to take very well for the win.
WINNER: Triple H in 11:00.
STAR RATING: 3/4* -- I've seen much worse. It was what it was and what you'd expect from these three. It probably qualified as a train wreck, but not an especially bad one as train wrecks go.

Arcademan:
WWE RAW Results: 2-2-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Caldwell's complete report). Condensed here to in-ring results only.

1 -- Intercontinental champion C.M. PUNK & MICKIE JAMES vs. WILLIAM REGAL & LAYLA

Lawler surmised that Regal has a permanent scowl after eating some bad peanut butter. Too soon. I'm waiting for Layla to throw her shoe at Punk in this one. Punk busted out a series of hard kicks to Regal's body, then to the face that cleared Regal to the floor. Regal tried to use Layla as a human shield, but Mickie took out Layla with a running splash from the apron. Punk, distracted, then ate the floor when Regal yanked him out of the ring. Mickie checked on Punk, who tried to recover before the ten count. Punk barely crawled into the ring, sticking his head out across the bottom rope. Regal took advantage with a running knee to the head for the pin and the win.

WINNERS: Regal & Layla at 3:20. Quick match, but put Punk in jeopardy for next week's IC Title match. Here we go with another series of short TV matches this week. (3/4*)

2 -- PRICELESS (TED DIBIASE, JR. & CODY RHODES) vs. CRYME TYME (SHAD GASPAR & JTG)

Ref called for a DQ very quickly in this one. Not sure who was disqualified, as Shad was working on DiBiase in the corner. Perhaps Cody was in the ring too long as the illegal man? In any event, Priceless took Shad apart with a double-team front-face slam to cap off the segment. Ref admonished them, then refs checked on Shad, who remained out cold in the ring.

WINNERS: No Contest in 3:00. No official decision was ever announced, so I'm going with Cryme Tyme picking up the win because Cody was in there too long as the illegal man. Announcers had no clue what the decision was, either. If you want people to buy PPVs to see matches, it's best to get your stuff right on TV where the application of rules is conveyed to viewers. (1/2*)

3 -- MIKE KNOX & KANE vs. REY MYSTERIO & KOFI KINGSTON

Kane was cleared to the outside like ten seconds into the match. Kofi then stood off against Knox as Cole said Rey and Kofi are rolling. How are they rolling? They had like one move right before the break, which came very suddenly. Apparently they really needed to grab that break.

Back from break, Kofi fought back against Kane and tagged out to Rey. Rey wanted the 619, but Kane wisely rolled to the floor. Rey followed with a seated sentaun running off the apron, but Kane uppercut him once they were back in the ring. Enter Knox, who stomped on Rey. Rey tried a springboard moonsault, but Knox caught him in mid-air. Rey managed to blind tag out to Kofi, though, who caught Knox by surprise and hit the boom-boom leg drop for a two count. Knox came back at 6:30 with a big bicycle kick on Kofi, who rolled a shoulder to escape a pin attempt.

Kane nearly lost control against Kofi, but Kane walked over to Rey and gave him a big boot to the face to knock him off the apron and prevent the hot tag. Kofi nailed a cross-body on Knox at 10:00, then Kofi went for the tag to Rey again, but Rey was nowhere to be found. Rey finally made his way back to the apron, but Kane yanked Kofi back to center ring. Kofi finally broke free and hot-tagged Rey, who landed a sick spin-over reverse DDT on Kane. Rey then dropped the dime with a springboard smash, but Knox broke up the pin. Kofi took out Knox, then knocked him to the floor. Kofi ate Knox's knee on a dive, and back in the ring, Kane was set up for the 619. Rey wanted it, but Knox grabbed Rey's legs in mid-air. Rey kicked him away, then wanted a springboard on Kane, but Kane caught him in mid-air and nailed a huge chokeslam for the pin and the win.

WINNERS: Kane & Knox at 11:40. Very nice tag match. Heck, we got ourselves a new tag team in WWE. Cole said it best that they're two of the strangest men in WWE, so they're a natural fit. It would be nice to see them jump to Smackdown as a tag team and give some heel star power to the brand holding the tag belts. Yes, I put Knox in a sentence with star power. That subtle promo he had two weeks ago was a career-changer. (**1/2)

4 -- BETH PHOENIX (w/Santino and Rosa Mendes) vs. CANDICE MICHELLE

Beth went to work on Candice and slammed her hard to the mat with a back suplex. Beth put her in the air for a gut wrench submission, but Candice slipped out into a roll-up for a two count. Candice began slapping/chopping Beth, then she went to the second rope for a turnaround spin kick. Santino was concerned as Candice continued on the offensive. Beth then came back with the double chicken-wing facebuster for the pin and the win. Afterward, Santino and Rosa celebrated with Beth, who wanted to pose herself.

WINNER: Beth Phoenix in 2:30. If you "placed your bets," there's your winner for shortest match of the night, won by Beth. Glamarella just isn't the same right now. (1/2*)

5 -- WWE World Hvt. champion JOHN CENA vs. CHRIS JERICHO -- non-title match

This was a slugfest early on without much dependence on wrestling holds. Cena then busted out a running bulldog out of the corner after Cole made a point that it was St. Louis where Cena jumped to Raw in the 2005 Draft. Fans chanted Cena's name as he stalked Jericho for a sit-out slam. Cena then clotheslined Jericho to the floor and gave Jericho some time before running after him on the outside. Jericho took advantage by kicking him away into the announce table. Cut to break.

Back from break, Jericho had Cena in a headlock. Cena started to fade as Jericho whispered sweet-nothings in Cena's ear. Jericho fed his arm to Cena, who wanted to power into the FU, but Jericho slipped out into a DDT for a two count. Cena recovered on the apron, then Jericho hit a springboard dropkick that sent Cena to the floor. Cena made it back into the ring at a nine count, and Jericho went back on the attack.

Jericho paintbrushed Cena at the top of the hour, then Cena pulled out a belly-to-belly suplex. Both men recovered on the mat before Jericho missed with a corner shoulder tackle and ate the ringpost. Cena built momentum with shoulder tackles before setting up the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena took forever, and Jericho popped to his feet to block the Five Knuckle Shuffle. They went into an exchange of pins before having a battle of right hand blows. Jericho cut off a shoulder tackle with an elbow, then he hit a Lionsault for a two count at 10:30.

Cena got up, ducked a clothesline, and hit the sit-out slam before finishing off that Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena wanted the FU, which Lawler re-called the Attitude Adjuster. Jericho slipped out, though, but Cena blocked the codebreaker. Another great exchange leading to Jericho slapping on the Walls of Jericho. Cena inched to the ropes as Jericho watched the hold on the Titantron to know when to yank Cena back into center ring. Jericho wasn't paying attention and Cena suddenly rolled through into a leglock for the STFU. Jericho instantly tapped out to put Cena's hold over huge.

Post-match: Cena celebrated in the ring as the announcers plugged Flair on Raw next week. Also, Taker vs. Orton in a WM 21 re-match. they closed with one final shot of Cena celebrating in the ring.

WINNER: John Cena via submission at 12:25. Very strong finish as usual between these two. Cena is pulling out some quality TV matches to start the year and Jericho had enough offense to retain credibility, outside of tapping out in less than two seconds to the STFU. Strong 30 minutes to conclude this show after a weak first 90 minutes. (***)

Arcademan:
ECW on SciFi Results: 2-3-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Caldwell's complete report). Condensed here to in-ring results.

1 -- TOMMY DREAMER vs. PAUL BURCHILL (w/Katie Lea)

Striker started us off with a note that this is the first-ever meeting between the two. We'll see how they fare tonight. Striker then took us to the Wrestling at the Chase program from St. Louis, which Larry Matysik wrote an awesome book on. He said Dreamer sat under the learning tree of Harley Race, who was the show, while Burchill wanted nothing to do with him. Dreamer hit the basement dropkick out of the tree of woe, but missed with the Dreamer DDT and Burchill nailed a neckbreaker for the pin after spending most of the match working on the neckbreaker. Todd Grisham said Dreamer's 19 year-career may winding down if he doesn't find some way to turn things around.

WINNER: Burchill in 4:00. Okay match. Burchill was effective working that neck to set up his finisher, which is a very basic-looking neckbreaker, to score a convincing win in four minutes. (*)

2 -- THE BOOGEYMAN vs. JAMIE NOBLE

Grisham said Boogeyman is from the Abyss, which is defined in the Bible as where demons are imprisoned. Don't tell him that. And don't tell him about Revelations 9:1-2. Noble put up a fight early on, including a knee smash from the second rope. Boogey kicked out at one, though, and Noble went to work on the neck muscles. Boogey made an awkward comeback at 3:00 and knocked down Noble with a series of clotheslines before stalking him for a corner splash. Boogey grunted, then picked up Noble and gave him the big pumphandle slam for the pin and the win. Noble wisely slipped out of the ring post-match to avoid the worm dinner.

WINNER: Boogeyman in 4:00. Silence is not golden. Boogey is an antiquated character from the mid-'90s WWF era that crowds simply aren't responding to. The character is aimed at kids, but they're not even responding. (1/2*)

3 -- ECW champion JACK SWAGGER vs. FINLAY (w/Hornswoggle) -- non-title match

Lock-up to start things off. Swagger took Finlay down with a rear waistlock and powered Finlay down to the mat. Aren't too many folks who can power Finlay down like that. Finlay then got under Swagger's skin and frustrated the young heel champion. Swagger took a break at 4:00 to regroup as Finlay looked on confidently inside the ring. Let's get a break.

Finlay was still in control out of the break. Finlay with a small package at 10:00 for a nearfall, then Swagger came right back with a straight right hand punch. He landed a stiff-sounding elbow to the face before landing a boot to the face. Hornswoggle suddenly popped out of nowhere to distract Swagger, allowing Finlay to clothesline the champ to the floor. Finlay followed out, but Swagger rammed him back-first into the ring apron, then head-first into the ringpost. Swagger picked up the shillelagh and chucked it up stage, then rolled Finlay into the ring. Swagger took a while to get back in the ring, allowing Hornswoggle to sneak up behind Swagger with a second shillelagh and crack it over the ankle from behind. Swagger hobbled across the ring in pain, then Finlay nailed the Celtic Cross in center ring for the pin and the win to give Swagger his first ever singles match defeat. Finlay and Hornswoggle then celebrated post-match, with Finlay now in line for a title shot.

WINNER: Finlay in 12:00. Sure thought this was a title match, so quite the relief to see it wasn't after all. It might have been early to put the belt on Swagger, but it would have been way too early to take it off him after only a few weeks as champ. Match was fine - nothing flashy, but an effective battle of big men. (**)

Arcademan:
TNA Impact! Results: 2-5-09

Results courtesy of PWTorch.com (direct link to Keller's complete report). Condensed to in-ring results only.

1 -- MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS (Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin) vs. "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL & CONSQUENCES CREED

Tenay compared the Guns to Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty during their ring intro. Beer Money attacked Lethal and Creed before the bell at ringside. They brawled into the crowd and at ringside for a couple minutes. They went into a split screen to try to track everything going on. Storm hit Creed in the elbow with a chair. Creed sold it big. Meanwhile, Shelley and Sabin just leaned in the corner of the ring and watched the brawl, staying complete out of it.

Back from the break, Lethal was battling Sabin. They showed a replay of trainers tending to Creed, who had to return to the back, leaving Lethal alone. Tenay said the indifference shown by Sabin and Shelley is really telling since they're stable-mates in the Front Line. Sabin leapfrogged a charging Sabin and then through the ropes onto Shelley. Sabin dove at Lethal, but Lethal sidestepped him. Back in the ring Lethal scored a one count on Shelley. Sabin mistakenly charged right into his partner Shelley in the corner. Sabin caught Lethal with a backbreaker a minute later. Really good, innovative action early on with good intensity, speed, and believability. At about 6:00 Eric Young came out and took Creed's place in the match. He tagged in, and the ref apparently allowed it for some preposterous reason that's just annoying, and he gave Shelley and Sabin a double-stacked Death Valley Driver to win.

WINNERS: Lethal & Young in 7:00.

STAR RATING: ** -- Good while it lasted, except for the ridiculous finish. Imagine Kobe Bryant going down with an Ankle Sprain mid-game in the NBA Finals and out comes Dwayne Wade to take his place.

2 -- SHANE SEWELL vs. SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR

Sewell made things really confusing by wearing a referee shirt and pants for the match. The crowd chanted "USA, USA" even though both wrestlers in the ring are from the United States. West plugged that former Illinois Rod Blagojevich was invited to join TNA. Tenay talked about him being impeached. Meanwhile Sewell went on a flurry of offense at 2:00 and scored a near fall. Bashir dove at Sewell, but hit the ref by mistake. With the ref down, both wrestlers collided mid-ring. Booker T came out wearing a referee shirt. Earl Hebner and Rudy Charles tried to stop him. Booker entered the ring and began counting both of them down. Booker T aided Bashir to his feet. Bashir climbed to the top rope and hit a flying legdrop, but Sewell moved. Sewell hit a top rope crossbody block. Booker paused before making a count, and instead stomped on Sewell's head. The bell began ringing. Sewell made a brief comeback before security intervened.

WINNER: No contest at 4:00.

3 -- ANGELINA LOVE & VELVET SKY (w/Cute Kip) vs. TAYLOR WILDE & ROXXI

They brawled at ringside to start, with the BPs taking out their anger and embarrassment on Roxxi and Taylor. Roxxi and Taylor came back at 3:00, but within a minute the BPs finisher her with a double-team big boot on Roxxi.

WINNERS: The Beautiful People in 4:00.

-The BPs continued the beating afterward on both Roxxi and Taylor as Kip celebrated with them. Kip dragged Roxxi and Taylor to mid-ring at which point Love and Sky put paperbags over their heads. I'm starting to question whether Love and Sky have ever seen what actually happens at a slaughterhouse. "The Governor" ran out and gave Kip a low-blow and then beat down both Love and Sky. She tried to put paper bags on their heads, but they scurried out of the ring first.

4 -- SHARK BOY vs. BRUTUS MAGNUS

Magnus walked out basically doing a Chris Masters gimmick with a Gladiator twist. He looks like a generic chiseled MMA fighter. He established he's a heel by complaining to the ref about a slow count early. Tenay said Magnus wasn't especially approachable when seeking background info, but he told them to look out for his finisher called Tormentum. It turned out to be a twisting Samoan drop.

WINNER: Magnus in 2:00. He looked fine for an opening squash.

5 -- MATT MORGAN vs. RHINO

Morgan took control early. Rhino fought back at 2:00. Rhino went for a Gore, but Morgan ducked and fired back with his Carbon Footprint big boot. Tenay said Rhino is a step slow and less powerful now because of the MEM's beatdwn. Morgan brought a chair into the ring and signaled for the Hellivator. Abyss's music played. Morgan dropped Rhino. Abyss had bags of tacks with him. West said it was good to see the old Abyss back in the ring, willing to do anything and bring anything to the ring. Abyss gave Morgan a Black Hole Slam. Abyss poured a big bag of tacks onto the mat. Morgan saw the tacks and bailed out to ringside. Tenay said they meet one-on-one Sunday on PPV. West added that it'll be no holds barred.

WINNER: No contest in 3:00.

6 -- KURT ANGLE & STING vs. TEAM 3D

After back and forth action early, Angle went for an anklelock at 3:00 on Ray. Ray broke free and tagged in Devon. Sting offered to tag in. Angle gave him an "up yours" arm signal. Devon back suplexed Angle. West questioned Angle's strategy since he's taking a beating just to prove a point to Sting. Sting confronted Angle at ringside, saying he thought they were a family. Scott Steiner ran out to mediate.

During the break, Tenay said, it was all Angle on offense thanks to Steiner tripping Devon coming off the ropes. The ref ordered Steiner to the back as a result. Ray came back with a full nelson sitout powerbomb. Angle fired back with a back suplex a mintue later, and then he mouthed off to Sting. Angle got cocky and climbed to the top rope. Ray lifted Angle on his shouters and then Devon hit a top rope clothesline. Booker T ran in for the DQ before a pin could be made. Sting watched as Steiner joined in the fight. West said this three-on-two attack is a good move on MEM's part. Sting grabbed his baseball bat and watched the beat down. Booker and Angle got into an argument at Steiner held him back. Sting asked Angle, "Friend or foe? What's it going to be?" West asked, "Man, I can't wait until this Sunday." Steiner pleaded, "We're family, Kurt."

WINNERS: Team 3D via DQ (presumably) in 10:00.

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